A Broken Toenail
Yesterday I stubbed my toes as I was getting ready for bed. The resulting pain was ridiculous considering how small a part of my body the toe is, but it felt excruciating. I muttered a slightly less than godly word and fortunately the pain calmed down after a few minutes and I was soon snuggled in bed.
Later when I woke my nail kept snagging the duvet and I realised it had broken when I banged it. It was irritating and suddenly, because my thoughts were on my toes, I found myself thinking about the picture Paul uses in 1 Cor 13 of us all being part of the body of Christ.
In that extended picture, Paul is keen to emphasize that we are all an important, in fact, vital part of the body which couldn’t function properly unless every part, the eyes, the ears, the feet, the hands . . . are all there and all doing their job. I get this as with my deafness and sight problems, I often need help from others to function well.
But Paul of course isn’t really talking about our physical bodies, but the church and how the family of believers is like that body, every part essential and needing to work together with one part’s role interwoven with the other parts around it.
But I must admit, I really struggle sometimes to feel the truth of that, as part of me feels that everyone else is ‘there’ but I am not quite there myself. It’s a feeling of not quite belonging, not quite knowing the things everyone else seems to know and feeling a little bit of an imposter.
Where does this feeling come from? Am I the only one who struggles with it and why is it there? Is it that others in the church are rejecting me or not making me welcome?
But no, its nothing to do with the churches I visit and am part of as they are all very loving. Of course, churches are made up of flawed and broken people and so there are times when wrong things are said, hurts are caused, people are insensitive and rejection happens. But even when this is the case, it’s still so important to look at our own reactions and listen to our own ‘self speak.’
This is because I am finding that the main problem is in me, it’s like that broken toenail, a small part of me that has been hurt in the past and is sending out waves of pain, getting me caught up in jagged messages that I don’t belong. It’s all a lie springing out of my insecurity and old wounds that the devil is taking full advantage of.
When I hurt my toe I needed to give it some tender love and care, to soothe the bruise, hold the hurting part tight and ultimately to deal with the broken nail.
How much time do I give to letting God soothe and hold tight in His love, the small parts of me that are still hurting? Do I seek Him for why I’m struggling or feeling overwhelmed by negative thoughts, or do I withdraw into the feelings of not belonging? I instinctively cherish my toes when I hurt them, but I also need to love and cherish the fact that I am a vital part of God’s family. To celebrate that God has made me to be me and placed me with others around me so we are all interwoven and mutually dependant. I need to kick out that old lie that I don’t belong and don’t match up to the other ‘body parts’ and send it packing. I need to believe and stand on the truth that I am loved, that I matter and that I belong. The more I take those truths on board and live and worship by them, the more that little ‘toe’ that shrieks out its hurt will be made whole.
If you are struggling with the feeling that you don’t belong in church, it’s my prayer that you will know the God of love holding your little ‘toe’ of pain close to his heart and ministering His healing and grace. May you see the vital place He has given you in His body and similarly, may you be able to celebrate the vital place He has given to all His precious children.
May all jagged toenails be made smooth, soothed by the power of His love.
Tracy Williamson
